"Joker"

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beautiful 

I've had a hard time writing lately. I feel hyper self-critical. I keep waiting for this to pass, but I've decided to try a new approach and see if I can just write through it.

I went to the movies today. I decided to make things easy on myself, and park in the nearby covered parking. I've been going into this lot since I was a little girl, back in the mid-70's. I got to the downtown theater a few minutes early, and decided to buy a popcorn in Henry's honor, I guess. This was my first time at the Metro theater, and it was pretty cool, very new for Eugene, Or. 

I don't want to say too much about the film other than Henry would've been out of his MIND over it. It was beautiful. I finally understood what my son always saw in Joker's character. He was the underdog, the freak, the one the other's didn't want to play with. Henry got this. He'd been stared at for looking different since he was a baby. People would often say unbelievable things directly to us, as if he couldn't hear or understand. Things like, "What's wrong with him?" "Does he have a disease?" and even, "Is he contagious?"

People can say and do hurtful things. We are human, reactive, scared. When Henry was young, I used to feel hives come on frequently. I would work hard to shelter the kids from such comments, but you can only push a stroller so fast or move so far away in an elevator. I used to want to silkscreen a shirt for him when he was little that would read: "If you're going to stare, please smile." simply to snap onlookers back into reality. 

I stopped taking the kids out as much. What you don't hear can't hurt you, right? 
This included playgrounds, parks, malls, even grocery stores...well, some grocery stores. It's hard to admit that our 'reception' was far gentler at more expensive stores, but it's true. Are those who spend more money on groceries also: kinder, better mannered, more educated? Or are they more self-involved, avoidant, afraid? At the end of the day, it didn't matter. I was willing to spend extra money for less bullshit. I would make the same choice today.

I spotted a perfect seat in the center of the back row of the theater. I know, I really need full-time glasses, but I don't like wearing frames, so the back row it is. Plus, it's typically an empty row, save the other lone weirdo like me. And low and behold, there appeared to be one such weirdo, a woman, a little younger than me. 'Right on, Sister!' I thought, as I pulled off my jacket. A second later, her significant other joined her with sodas and candy in hand. That's cool, I wanted to kick it with Henry, anyhow :)

I wasn't planning on seeing "Joker". I imagined it would be too violent for me. I went with Henry to almost every movie, except when they felt too scary. Luckily, for these must-sees, Henry could go with his step-dad(ish), Alan. I guess after Henry dying, I figured I most likely wouldn't see certain types of movies ever again. But then yesterday, while visiting with my daughter Bella up in Portland, she urged me to go. She said it felt like Henry was there with her (or something like this), and she was right. He was right there, sitting next to me. Holy shit, I think he might've taken the first handful of popcorn! (big smile). 

And maybe that's enough for this entry. Maybe I'll keep the rest of the movie and time with Henry to myself. I will say one final thing about the movie, though. Joaquin Phoenix's performance made me oddly proud to be human. The level of beauty, vulnerability, love, hurt, and straight up GRACE that he brought to his character knocked me on my ass. I left this movie, Phoenix's performance, realizing that I finally understood just what Henry saw in "Joker". He saw a Hero who was tired of excusing the behavior of assholes. He saw a man who decided it wasn't okay to be treated poorly because of how he looked, talked, moved through this world. My beautiful sweet boy saw himself. And for this, I am so fucking grateful. My little man wasn't here long, but he was aware and awake long enough to understand that humans could do a hell of a lot better than we are currently doing. We could be kinder, more accepting, more tolerant, less judgmental...we could all be our 'better' selves. Something to work towards, anyhow.

**p.s. I left the theater a bit stunned. My entire body felt charged, dizzy, off. I walked to the little parking garage that I've known my entire life, and spent about 15 solid minutes looking for my car. With an alarm on my fob. In the daylight, and with tons of exposed sunlight. THAT'S how much this move affected me. I walked by two women chatting in front of their car, THREE times before seeing my own car. I almost said something like, "In case you're wondering, my son recently died and I just saw his favorite anti-hero movie, and it completely fucked me up and I can't remember AT ALL where I parked my car!" But I felt too fucked up to say anything. Instead, I slid into the driver's seat and forced myself to breathe deeply and pause. I started the ignition, and drove home. 













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