memory ~ losing it and letting go

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One of the greatest gifts, yes gifts, of getting MS has been learning (slowly) to LET GO. To be honest, it's a much easier thing to do when the choice is no longer yours. Imagine the freedom!
That said, it hasn't always felt like freedom. At times, losing some short term memory has been difficult, embarrassing, expensive, and inconsiderate. I have mistakenly ordered two yearbooks for one child and none for the other (luckily the school secretary bailed me out on this error just before the deadline), I've missed countless therapy and doctor appointments, forgotten to follow through on things I'd promised, and mistakenly told the same stories over and over and over to my family.

Many of my friends will joke that they too forget things. Maybe it's just my age, they say. But for me it's more than this. Each day is filled with phone reminders for things I've agreed to do. I set three alarms for myself; one day ahead, one hour ahead, and 10 minutes ahead. Even with all this back up, I still sometimes forget. I will look at my reminder and without truly registering what it says, I'll delete it. Then I catch my breath. Oh shit! What did I just erase?

And then I let it go. What is my choice? I can either dive head on into self loathing, or I can let it f*ing go. I breathe deep and try to remember that I'm okay. If I forget something where I might let someone down, I can apologize and explain. I can own it and move on. I used to get so upset with myself for this type of transgression. I remember feeling tremendous stress over appointments. I had to be on time (which has always meant a little early) and fully prepared. Since MS, I sometimes forget to fill out my paperwork (let alone bring it), I get lost and then arrive late, and then there are those days that I find myself suddenly too tired to leave my home at all. But that's another story all together.

I speak slower than I used to, I think. I sometimes can't find the right word, only to struggle finding a suitable substitute. At first it was a little scary. I felt like I was losing my mind. Thing is, no one around me seemed too put out by it. I know it's noticeable, but maybe my slowed down speech has me thinking more about what I'm going to say? Who knows, maybe my slower speech has me sounding more thoughtful (and wiser?) than I really am. Wouldn't that be ironic.

The biggest gift of letting go has been learning to be kinder and slower with myself. I now allow myself to take naps in order to restore energy. I eat healthy meals at appropriate times (no longer skipping meals to get more things done...well, not very often anyhow). I try to only commit to ONE big task per day. This could be going out to Home Depot, meeting up with a friend, or taking myself to the movies. I don't always remember to do this, the ONE big task per day agreement, and I pay the price immediately. It can and has set me back for days. That's how limited my energy is now. This is why my calendar is so critical to my well being. Before saying YES to anything, I first check my phone to see if I've already booked something on this day. If so, I know now that I need to reschedule.

I let go. I breathe. And I let go.

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