MS, love, and my life

looking for 'normal'  When I was a little kid, I remember that getting really sick was so surreal. It felt as though I'd left my body behind, and was watching everything from afar. My mom would make tinctures and teas, compresses and steams. I know I've probably made this next part up, but I can almost swear she'd put on her old linen apron while working her magic. I was the youngest of five children, so I  loved the special attention and care I received while sick. Sure, some of it sucked, like having to chew on licorice root or the 'no tv' rule, but otherwise, it was almost wonderful. Except, of course, being really sick.  MS seemed a little like this at the beginning. Everything felt dream-like. The uber rides up and down the hill to the hospital, moving in slow motion from one room to the next, and sitting with my family for dinner (after the kids had spent the first two weeks at their dad's). Everything was quiet and dimly lit. I w

keeping an eye on the big picture I grew up in a house filled with crafting. I think my mom must've picked this up while living in Germany in the early 1970's. I remember hand-knitted dresses, brightly colored melted plastic window hangings, art and crafting projects throughout the house, and The Band on the turntable. This was my childhood. Even now, crafting continues to ground me and help me find my way back to me . I don't always do this consciously. In fact, it wasn't until I was cutting out brown paper hearts (production style) last night that I suddenly realized, 'Sh*t, I'm crafting like I mean it.' I guess I was lost in how pretty the silver glitter looked against the brown paper. The way the light hits it and brings it magically to life. Applying the gold leaf paint calms my breathing. Even though threading through the tiny hole I just drilled on the plastic tabs can be frustrating, the final product is so worth it. I'm a crafte

perfect message for today~ I woke up this morning feeling sad. Not like 'I don't want to carry on' kind of sad, but more like a heavy feeling in my heart kind of sad. I miss my mom today. It's funny how that works. Maybe what I really miss is that feeling of being a little kid and knowing that somehow, my mom will make me feel better. Growing up can be messy. Even when you're 48yrs old. It's wild to realize at times that I've managed to go through all the trials and tribulations that I have and yet still find myself here . I know, from past experience, that this too shall pass. But it's different when I also know that blowing through the tough emotions won't help. It'll still be there, but more quietly...somewhere deep in the background, waiting for my attention when I can muster the courage. So, this morning, I sit with the feelings. I meditate. I imagine myself welcoming in the hard stuff. I try instead to come from a position of cur

relaxing with my feet out the window ~ The first thing I did when I came home today was take off my bra. On days like today, it almost hurts to wear one. Next, I put on the pajama pants I got a few days ago from my step dad (they used to belong to my mom). Pink with red polka dots, and the lightest weight of cottons. Now I can breathe deeper. I feel far more comfortable than when I was out buying groceries just a few minutes before. My MS is acting up a bit today. I feel sore in both arms, my right shoulder, and my back and ribs on my right side. That said, I was able to drive to the store, shop on my own, and carry my bags to the car. It helped (a lot) that my guy met me when I pulled up and without needing to be asked, carried all the grocery bags upstairs for me. He said he'd heard the car pull up and so he came down. Today I am (almost always) able to take help where I can ~ and this is something I struggled with before getting sick.  I have a friend who is dealing

thank you sweet little trailer~ It's so easy for me to forget how wonderful it is to hit the road. There is something that happens to my busy mind once we are all packed, and the last car door slams shut. This sh*t is happening ! I think to myself. We're doing it! We have covered all our bases (kids taken care of, time off for my guy, house is in order...) yep, we are making this little vacation HAPPEN! At first we might talk a bit. Or listen to the music we brought along. But then we fall into that really cool place where we become quiet and start absorbing our surroundings. Actually, this is where I'm at, I have no idea what my guy might be thinking about, and that's okay. I mean, it's okay when I'm feeling fine in my own head, but every now and then I'll start to feel lonely, I guess, so I'll ask him what he's thinking about. He never seems irritated though, and he takes a moment to sort of gather his thoughts, and then shares where