On humility~sort of

so fucking close ~ 
    I loaded my first book (ever) to be published on this morning.     I pulled it down shortly after. A temporary necessity.

    There's something really humbling about things not going your way. It's like, oh yeah, it's not always up to me, after all. And from afar, that's kind of a cool way to see it. Only, I'm no where near afar. I'm smack dab in the middle of it. And from here, it straight up sucks.
    Or does it? I mean, what if it had gone exactly as had hoped? And it was simply like switching on a light? Wouldn't that be a bit, anti-climactic for me? Well, I guess I'll never know how I would've handled things, had they gone differently. 
   Point is, my book was up for less than an hour. Luckily, I knew well enough to tell only one person, knowing he would buy it right away. We found out there were some bugs. First time self-publishing, not too big of a surprise. But BOY! It kind of made my heart race a bit. I…

all for now~

It's a funny feeling when you can tell that something has run its course. Sometimes it can be extraordinarily painful and heartbreaking, other times it's as if a heavy load you didn't even realize you've been carrying, has been magically lifted.

This is neither of those times.

This is only me deciding that I'm done writing so publicly for now. From beginning to end, it's been an amazingly therapeutic undertaking for me. I like/hate that I decided to walk through my life so open and honestly. I like that I took on something that scared the shit out of me, and I did it anyhow. I hate that being so transparent allowed me to see how self-judgmental and critical I can still be with myself. I didn't expect this to happen, or I'm guessing I wouldn't have dove in.

It's been a shit couple of years for me and those closest to me. I suppose we all get our turn with hardship at one time or another, right? It's almost ludicrous that the world keeps spin…


me and my hair ~ 
Such a simple and pure concept. Honesty. And yet, not always so easy to attain. Because there are requirements, right? One has to know themselves well enough to know when they are actually being honest. How easy it is to float through life acting as if each and every thought, action, and reaction come from our clear intention! But more often than not, other things come into play. We might unknowingly be acting out of past hurts or unresolved resentments, oblivious to any ill intent on our part. And then everything unravels, and we are left bare and confused - what happened?
And this is why pause is so critical. In order for me to have any hope of knowing my own motives, I know (now) that I have to step back when things feel messy. I have to get quiet. I have no business reacting without taking this critical step. Otherwise, I am more than likely to simply react. My pride will jump into the foreground and hustle to find a way in which I might look better than I feel. …

two weeks in ~

me today ~ 11.15.18 

It's been a big few weeks since deciding to turn my life around. Well, maybe it's not really that dramatic, but I have changed quite a few things. I've changed my diet, my ideas around what I can and can't do in my new body, my attitude regarding my health and wellness, and my willingness to dive deeper into some messier old emotions. So yeah, I've basically changed a huge chunk of who I consider myself to be.
It's wild that it's that simple to make changes, isn't it? One day, you just say to yourself, I'm ready. 
In reality, the first week was pretty hard. I felt hungry, bloated, and irritable. I was eating more vegetables than I've had since I lived with my parents. No joke. I started weaning off the gluten, sugar, dairy, and caffeine. My stomach lost the bloat. My energy increased. Most importantly, my symptoms (pain, fatigue, and soreness throughout the day) seem to be milder. Oh, and I sleep like a rock.
I have known, f…

it's my story, anyhow ~

old pic of me in my birth town, san francisco ~

I sometimes wish that life continued to be as easy (decision/responsibility free) as it was when I was a kid. My mom would prepare all the meals, sew my clothes up when they tore, remind me to brush my teeth, tuck me in bed, and kiss me goodnight. Sure, I had to help clean the house, but I actually liked doing chores. I remember feeling proud of good work done. Sometimes I'd be lazy and just spray the windex in the bathroom, as if it were room spray, and pretend like I'd cleaned. I always felt guilty though when my mom would come in to check and turning to me smiling, say, "Mmm! Smells clean to me!"  In a nano-second I went from feeling super bad-ass to super lame. I didn't do this very often, the guilt was too great for me to bear. 
How did I become the one in charge? 
Sometimes it comes so naturally. I hear myself calling my son to the table for breakfast. I see myself helping him pick up his room. I remind him to…

my gratitude list for today ~

me and the kids back in 2013 ~ Maui, Hi
Tomorrow is my follow up with my neurologist. We will be going over my latest MRI results, we'll talk about the new lesions, and what he recommends (more strongly this time, I'm guessing). I was scared the other day when I last spoke with him...Jesus, only eight days ago? I felt that maybe I should take his advice and go on one of the MS meds. Why was I still wrestling with this idea so intensely? 
I decided to listen to my intuition, and first do a little more research. I looked at all the meds offered.  I found a site that not only compared the 56 or so meds intended to help MS, but it also included written reviews of the medications by others with MS. In fact, the med my neuro suggested for me has 115 reviews. Jackpot! It's one thing to listen to what your healthy doctor has to say about a drug and its side-effects, but if I want the truth, I know better than to trust a medically trained expert. For me to believe that I'm maki…

When things don't go your way ~

shaking my fortune-telling 8 ball for the answer I want~
Damn. Sometimes this happens, right? We don't get our way. But for whatever reason, I never ever think it's going to be a part of my story. Which is funny, because historically it has ALWAYS been a part of my story. I love my trusty optimism. Always off the mark, but consistently by my side. Talk about blind loyalty.
I went two days ago for my MRI with contrast. Brain only. What this means is that the techs first set me up with a regular MRI where I go into the loud banging doughnut hole looking machine, laying as still as possible, with my face in a close fitting helmet of sorts. I have earplugs in and noise eliminating earphones over them to quiet down the sound. For a contrast exam, they first put in an IV port and then after the first part of my exam, they roll me back out, plug in the feed for some saline/dye mix, and then quickly roll me back in and start the machine back up. I am not to move.

I've done this fi…