honesty~

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me and my hair ~ 

Such a simple and pure concept. Honesty. And yet, not always so easy to attain. Because there are requirements, right? One has to know themselves well enough to know when they are actually being honest. How easy it is to float through life acting as if each and every thought, action, and reaction come from our clear intention! But more often than not, other things come into play. We might unknowingly be acting out of past hurts or unresolved resentments, oblivious to any ill intent on our part. And then everything unravels, and we are left bare and confused - what happened?

And this is why pause is so critical. In order for me to have any hope of knowing my own motives, I know (now) that I have to step back when things feel messy. I have to get quiet. I have no business reacting without taking this critical step. Otherwise, I am more than likely to simply react. My pride will jump into the foreground and hustle to find a way in which I might look better than I feel. I might even feel justified in taking you down, so that I can remain intact. I might say the one thing that I know will throw you off balance, just to find more solid ground myself. 

Ironically, none of this bad behavior is intended to harm you, only to bring myself a little time to recover from feelings that I don't even understand. I will dance around the surface of things, stir it up, move so quickly that you won't know what's hit. We will then both leave feeling wounded and misunderstood. We will retreat. Trust less. Fear more.

I operated like this for a large portion of my life. When I don't pause, when I'm not checking in with myself on a daily basis, I can easily slip back here. And it's an uncomfortable place to reside. It's not at all how I would like to spend anymore of my precious time. 

There is something so beautiful about aging. Letting go of the 'look good' long enough to realize that it's just a fantasy. This idea that one might ever please everyone all of the time is too unattainable. It's a straight up waste of time, actually. Yet, I can still find myself here. What is this? 

This is simply me wanting to be liked, loved, and understood. This is years and years of reaching for perfection, even though I know it has never existed. Today, I am easier on myself. I am  learning to let go of hustling for worthiness. It's not easy, though. When one buys so completely into a fantasy, there is a bit of an ache realizing you've been reaching for something that's never existed. 

This year, this brand new 49th year of mine here on planet earth, has me hoping for more self-awareness. I want to slow myself down enough to really hear you. I want to understand what it is you are asking for, what you need to make you feel loved. I want to be a better version of myself.

My life hasn't turned out at all like I used to imagine it would. I didn't expect the hardships. I suppose no one does though, right? I used to imagine that if I was good enough then 'bad things' wouldn't happen to me. Turns out, this isn't how life works, well, not mine anyhow. That said, I've experienced more love, adventure, and joy in my life than I could've ever hoped for. So maybe it actually does balance out?

My birthday this year was wonderful. It was small and low key. I had some close friends and family over for a little holiday crafting, then spent a quiet evening at home with my guy and my son. We ate homemade pizza (yes, I had gluten AND dairy!) and it was incredible. I received gifts and cards filled with so much thought, love, and humor, that I felt a sense of wholeness I'd never before experienced. It is such a wild thing to have so much gratitude for the life I've created, to feel so lucky. I can honestly say, I wouldn't change a thing. Well, maybe that's not completely honest...







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