it's my story, anyhow ~

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old pic of me in my birth town, san francisco ~


I sometimes wish that life continued to be as easy (decision/responsibility free) as it was when I was a kid. My mom would prepare all the meals, sew my clothes up when they tore, remind me to brush my teeth, tuck me in bed, and kiss me goodnight. Sure, I had to help clean the house, but I actually liked doing chores. I remember feeling proud of good work done. Sometimes I'd be lazy and just spray the windex in the bathroom, as if it were room spray, and pretend like I'd cleaned. I always felt guilty though when my mom would come in to check and turning to me smiling, say, "Mmm! Smells clean to me!" 
In a nano-second I went from feeling super bad-ass to super lame. I didn't do this very often, the guilt was too great for me to bear. 

How did I become the one in charge? 

Sometimes it comes so naturally. I hear myself calling my son to the table for breakfast. I see myself helping him pick up his room. I remind him to brush his teeth. And I still tuck him in bed (when he lets me), and kiss him goodnight on the top of his head while he reads in bed. But on the days when he's at his dad's, I am amazed that I know how to do it all. Isn't that funny? I've parented for over 18yrs and the whole thing still baffles me. The only real education we receive to take on this monumental task is to watch our parents closely. Or, if we prefer, watch other parents closely. Sometimes we don't want to copy what we've experienced.

I just received a school forecast for my son going to high school next year. The email was lengthy and dense, yet I managed to read the entire thing last night. I thought, what if I were to become super active in his high school experience? What if I decided to be that parent with this kid? But even more pressing to me, what if a typical public high school isn't the right course for my son? The special education program (at least from what the email states) sounds too generalized and flat. It reads nothing like the interesting options for the rest of the students. The thing about spec. ed., in my opinion, is that the only thing these kids have in common, typically, is that they don't have anything in common. It is their 'otherness' from the masses that places them in a classroom together. So now what?

It has been easy up until now to imagine that his education has been as good as could be expected. He's young and sweet, a good kid. But high school? This is the time to learn about one's future, right? I've seen my daughter take on four years of it already, and it's tough. Not the learning, no, she was always a gifted learner. It's the social networking that's daunting. Far more than I could, or would want to take on. I think it might feel too overwhelming for my little man who still puts his clothes on backwards some days. I have no fantasy, though, that he would be 'better off' at home, with me as his teacher. No, that wouldn't be good for either of us. But, it feels like I should explore other possible options.

All this said, chances are more than likely that he'll just want to stay with his classmates and transition alongside them to the next building. It might be that simple. Four more years. And then? Then what will his future hold? Yeah, nothing like thinking (worrying) about the future...as if that will help me control the outcome?

Speaking of which, my doc visit was okay. My neurosurgeon is very anxious about my refusal to go on a big MS med, given my latest MRI. But I told him I was okay with his anxiety. I'm going to listen to my body. I'm going to try holistic health first. It kind of felt like he was giving me six months to prove I can heal myself. The fighter in me is up for the challenge. The kid in me wants my mom to take over, prepare my meals, tell me when to rest, and kiss me good night. The emerging 'me' wants a little of both. I want to stay on course while practicing self-care and kindness. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? But for me, not so much. I'd rather get busy micro-managing my son's future than learn to set boundaries for myself, rest, eat well, meditate. 

Doing what I know how to do is what got me here. It's time for me to learn a different way if I hope to heal myself. No easy undertaking, to be sure, but I am okay with this. I guess I could look at it as an exciting unknown? Yeah, couch it as a mystery that I get to help solve. Go all Nancy Drew on it?!

Why not? It's my story, anyhow. Right? 














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