Growing into Consciousness

  

It's been a minute since I've sat down to write. Not for a lack of subject matter, more out of a deep desire or need to just Be Here Now. Yep, I've been on the deepest of dives into what it means to be human, alive, and semi-self aware. This morning, while on an Eckhart Tolle youtube binge, I heard him say something that Really struck a chord,  

        "If things don't get difficult, there's no Growth in Consciousness."

I used to live in a pretty serious amount of Fear around worthiness. I imagined that 'you'd' like me better if I embellished a little. Later, I got myself into some rather sticky situations, and learned that flat out Lying also worked. LOL. Worked?! Yeah, it worked to get me to the place of no longer trusting or even Believing in myself. I started fretting over whether or not my stories might unintentionally get mixed up, overlap, or seem flat out ridiculous. Throw a little wine on any story, and it's an impossible situation. Over twelve years later, and I can still remember all too well how this felt.

Wait, what?! In that case, if I add up the past occurances in my own private world, could this mean I have an increible growth potential?!

So, last week when I pulled over to cancel my facial at the local beauty school, I heard myself Consciously do something I haven't done in a very long time. I told a lie. A little lie, but one nonetheless. I said I wasn't feeling well. That two others in close proximity had recently tested positive for covid (true!) and I would have to cancel the appointment that was only an hour away. Seriously? Why hadn't I canceled before? 
And here's where it gets even better. After throwing out this bullshit story, the receptionist kindly informs me that they'd left a voicemail message earlier saying they'd had to CANCEL my facial. My esthetician was home sick. My pathetic lie was entirely unnecessary. Fuck.

So, I rescheduled, with my tail between my legs, and hung up.

I sat in my car stunned. 

By my lying, by the outcome, by all of it. Why did I lie? What happened? So, me being me, I drove home and started pulling it all apart. 

Did I lie due to economic insecurity? Sure, that's kind of always there for me, yet this wasn't that. My parents had given me money FOR this! So, although I still struggle doing these kind of self-care moves for myself as I work to live within my means, it wasn't financial.

Was it Fear? A little. The procedure I was going to do, is called a Chemical Peel. Yikers! What a scary sounding undertaking. I was raised to only put healthy things in or on my body. Nothing about this sounded healthy. Had I just been coerced to sign up for this because the clinician was so sweet? Could be, I'm terribly influenced when I think it will make the 'other' happy. But, that doesn't feel like it fully explains it to me.

Vanity? And unfortunately, I believe this was the main driver. Vanity=Insecurity, right? Okay...I could feel I was getting warmer...

And then I remembered! Earlier in the month, a day before I'd made the appointment, a woman I like had suggested she take me 'makeup' shopping. Wait, WTF? And what's worse, is I heard myself agreeing! So conditioned to weird and unhealthy female feedback, I wasn't even consciously aware of what was happening. She then went on to say that, 'when one has rosacea, it's best to stay away from wearing warmer colors, reds too.' I looked down to realize, YES, I was wearing red today.

Do I have rosacea?

When I got home from the makeup interaction, I texted said woman, and let her know that in my desire to spend time with her, I'd agreed to doing something I didn't want to do. In fact, I went on, I'm working towards wearing NO makeup, period. As I age, I am becoming more and more aware of the agreements I've made (like, hustling for worthiness), and what it might look like or require for me to create NEW narratives. 

One bold step for me is to let go of marketing that urges me to 'be my most beautiful self!' Keyword here, for me, is Marketing. It is financially beneficial to Others for me to agree to this narrative...to 'buy my most beautiful self.'

Luckily, I had more than a year to spend contemplating my intrinsic value in the presence of two men during lockdown. They were my housemates - and neither of them could have cared less as to whether or not my skin appears flawless. I am in my 50's for christ sake! Why should my skin look flawless? I'm not a child. I've had a big life. A wonderfully messy and amazing life, and I'm only halfway through. 
Was it difficult, coming to this Awareness? Yes and No.

 
It doesn't take me too long to go deep enough to find some clarity, so that part is easy-ish. The hard part, is being kind to myself as I get there - even when I feel like I should know this stuff by now. Hard because it means I'm still insecure, awkward, hustling periodically for worthiness. So, yes, this is difficult - unless - I position myself more squarely in Self Acceptance. If I make THIS my new starting point, my orientation, 

then it's simply a matter of taking the time to metaphorically hold my own hand, and say, "You're Okay, love. You're doing your BEST, and I'm super proud of you for this!"

 
Am I going to keep this appointment to chemically peel off my old and weathered derma? No. I don't think it makes sense anymore. I believe the pangs of insecurity are fading back to the distance - to hang out with the other ideas that no longer serve me.

 
Wait just a holy second...did my Consciousness just experience a Growing Pain? Right On. Not nearly as painful as I'd imagined. Looks like Growth is Where it's At!

*as an important aside: I love makeup and how it allows one to transform. I            don't imagine I will ever stop wearing lipstick. My drive to become makeup free            is simply a personal journey - a self inquiry of sorts. As I once heard from a wise niece of mine, "You do You, and I'll do Me." 💥