thoughts on friendships and showing up

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laying in bed with my amazing little girl - early March, 2017


*a facebook post from a close friend from high school, after his visit from Eugene, Or

March 13th, 2017
So sweet to see you today. I'm impressed with your new home and your state of affairs. Don't forget to reach out in the tiniest of ways when you just can't do it all. We will help in any way we can. (I speak confidently for the collective 'we' that all love you- am I right?)
No one can do it alone. All of us are smarter than the one of us.
Big love to you, Madeline. Keep on keepin' on.

The very week of my initial MS attack, a tribe of friends and neighbors helped move my family. Literally move homes. Luckily, we only moved upstairs into the corner unit of our vintage 4-plex, but we needed lots of hands. We had already signed the rental papers and scheduled movers for the big stuff. We hadn't expected I'd get so sick.

The 'new' unit was completely bathed in sunlight, had a refinished kitchen with a beautiful gas range and tile floor, and a great big attic. I didn't feel we could pass this opportunity up. I asked my guy, "I know it might seem crazy, given all that's gone on this week with my health and all, but could we still please move?" Hesitantly, he said okay. I know he thought this would be too much for me, but he also knew how much I wanted (needed, really) the sunshine.

I don't remember too much from that day, only friend after friend dropping by to help out. One girlfriend, a neighbor I had only just met recently, came over with her teenaged daughter to lend a hand, only to be later joined by her sister and her daughter's boyfriend. I was on the couch the entire time. It was my first move where I couldn't even lift a finger to help.

My ex sister-in-law was the first to arrive that morning, with a box full of warm bagels and salads to feed everyone. She acted intuitively on my behalf, helping the others decide where everything should go. I think this was her only day off that week, and she is a mom of two young teens? Incredible. At one point she found me crying on the couch, where she had to remind me repeatedly to stay put. "Why are you crying, Mad, are you okay?"

I was.

Honestly, it felt as if I were beginning to overflow from all the love around me. I was stunned by the effort and generosity of my friends. It reminds me of the scene from American Beauty where Ricky Fitts says, "Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in." This is exactly how I felt. Simply retelling this experience causes my heart to swell again. Isn't it amazing how we can recount wonderful experiences to such a degree of clarity that our bodies literally feel different?

Later, same week, from my facebook entry:

March 16, 2017 
Back to the ER. Another MRI ~ things getting harder before they get easier. My guy filling out my paperwork ~ nothing like another 'day off' at the ER. Me with one eye closed (easier to see like this, need to knit an eye patch?), and finally back home, resting with my beautiful baby girl. A girlfriend is going to create a Meal Train for me. She will post of my page in a few days. I am still too tired to visit much :( but believe this too shall pass. Sending lots of love to all of you. Slowing down gives me time to remember what matters. <3 (little heart emoji)

I vaguely remember closing down the Meal Train site after a month, feeling overwhelmed by the energy it took to help my friends on the phone with directions to our home, only to be followed by a short visit as they dropped off their amazing home-made meals.

I was too embarrassed to sound ungrateful, too scared to explain that I was, in fact, this tired, this sick. I tried to pretend that I felt better than I really did. I didn't want any of us to worry. We still didn't know at this point that I had MS. For now, we were still going off the 'you had a stroke' diagnosis. No one, including my doctors, knew what was wrong with me and why my condition continued to worsen.

But here's the thing, maybe I had to experience this type of hardship to understand how much I am truly loved. If only I could've had this awareness without all the drama, fear, and uncertainty! But I wouldn't trade any of it. As crummy as any illness can be, it's humbling to be surrounded by love in action.







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