one of those days ~

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perfect message for today~


I woke up this morning feeling sad. Not like 'I don't want to carry on' kind of sad, but more like a heavy feeling in my heart kind of sad. I miss my mom today. It's funny how that works. Maybe what I really miss is that feeling of being a little kid and knowing that somehow, my mom will make me feel better.

Growing up can be messy. Even when you're 48yrs old. It's wild to realize at times that I've managed to go through all the trials and tribulations that I have and yet still find myself here. I know, from past experience, that this too shall pass. But it's different when I also know that blowing through the tough emotions won't help. It'll still be there, but more quietly...somewhere deep in the background, waiting for my attention when I can muster the courage. So, this morning, I sit with the feelings. I meditate. I imagine myself welcoming in the hard stuff. I try instead to come from a position of curiosity. What am I capable of learning here?

Sometimes things don't go how I've hoped. I'm familiar with this. I recover quickly (most often) and am able to see the silver lining. I'm guessing the grey sky and light rain helps me connect with my real emotions. When it's sunny and warm outside, I tend to feel more optimistic. But with this kind of weather, I feel like I can cozy up to it. So, I allow myself to sit in it. I let it wash over me.

They say that depression is a major side effect of any long-term, chronic illness. One loses so much at the beginning. All the ideas and fantasies about future possibilities changes overnight. I sometimes feel as if my brain is now up for grabs. Will my MS create more lesions? Will I go into my next MRI in November to find that my disease has progressed? Or (hopefully), will I learn instead that I'm doing well? That there is no progression of my disease? That somehow, against doctors orders, I am managing to treat myself with the combination of mindfulness, stress reduction, meditation, CBD, dietary changes...wouldn't that be nice?

I grapple with the idea that I might be experiencing depression. It sounds so scary and bottomless. Who will save me from this dark abyss? Or, is what I'm feeling just a natural, healthy response to a very mind-bending situation? How could I not be down about all of this?

So, today I made myself my one cup of coffee that I have every day. I sat down in my tiny meditation room and took deep breaths. I imagined my mom sitting with me, letting me know I'd be okay. I will go downstairs and take a long, hot shower. I will get dressed and eat a little breakfast. In a little while, I will pick up my sweet 18yr old and take her out to lunch, connect with her, and see how she is acclimating to being a young independent adult. Maybe she feels today like I do, and we will comfort each other. Or, maybe she'll feel strong and invincible, and I will borrow a little of her courage.

Deep down in my wise-self (as my counselor calls it), I know I have never been promised an easy ride. Each and every one of us experiences our own hardships as we travel through our lives. My journey is not so unique. The only thing that is different today is that I am sharing what it feels like for me. I stayed too quiet for too long in the past. I pretended that I could manage everything and come out the other side stronger for it. Today though, I feel a little lost. Letting go of the 'look good' is easier than it sounds.

I will spend today practicing self-care. I will go slow. I will remember that I've been here before and I am still alive. I've made it through some incredible challenges and I am truly better for it. I would love a quick-fix, but this is big stuff. I'll give it time to unfold. I will keep the memory of my mom close to my heart. I will consciously invite in whatever needs to appear, and as Rumi suggests, treat each emotion, no matter how messy or uncomfortable, as a guide sent here to teach me something I might just be ready to learn.

*just heard from my baby girl that she too is having one of those days. Can we reschedule? At only 18yrs old she already knows how to practice self-care. She knows when she needs to change plans in order to prioritize this. It has taken me so much longer to learn this, but that's okay. I'm here now.


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