Self-care ~ not a selfish act after all
tiny me ~ Germany in the early '70's
Until I got Multiple Sclerosis, I didn't much care for self-care. It sounded selfish and a bit self-involved. I mean, who has time to nap in the middle of the day? I could (should) be doing something far more productive. Or at least this is how I felt before.
Nowadays, if I want to have sustainable energy, I have to practice self-care. That said, it's still not easy.
Recently I had an idea. What if I made self-care interesting and exciting? Maybe this could help with my reluctance.
The first and most important thing I had to do, however, was change some of my thinking. That's why there is this photo of tiny me. I try to imagine, when contemplating spending time on self-care, that I'm taking care of 'tiny me'. If I look at an old photo of myself and try really hard to pretend that I'm taking care of HER, then it doesn't feel so hard. In fact, it feels kind and loving. I would make sure SHE had enough sleep. I would prepare delicious and healthy meals for HER. I would let her play, relax, explore, and have friends. I wouldn't ask her to skip meals so she could get more shit done. I can't imagine telling her, "you can't go to sleep UNTILL you finish all that stuff you put on your list." In other words, I would treat her far better than I have been willing to treat myself.
I would never give her caffeinated drinks so she could move faster (and longer). I wouldn't give her candy jacked with sugar to tide her over. I'd give her healthy snacks and ask that she sit down when she eats, so she could relax and enjoy it. I would take her on long walks through the woods. I would wash her face at night, read to her, and tuck her in bed. I would tell her (over and over) how much I loved her.
I would be gentle with her when she struggled.
Every now and then I'll think about how everything looked just before I got sick. I was, as Brené Brown puts it, Hustling for Worthiness. I was hyper-concerned with whether or not I was a good enough EVERYTHING (daughter, sister, girlfriend, parent, friend, student, worker). I wanted everyone to think that I could manage everything. But the cost is high, and (luckily) my body said, "F*ck You, I'm done!" And I got sick.
I know this isn't what my neurologist would say. And that's okay. I don't need it to make sense for anyone else. I know what I was up to. I know how hard I was pushing myself on a daily basis to (I thought) make everyone's life better. Here's the thing though, I was cranky A LOT of the time. Makes sense though, right? I mean look at how I was (not) taking care of myself?! How could I help but be cranky?
So, I got sick. I lost the ability, completely, to take care of anyone (including myself). As I've mentioned before, I couldn't even dress or cook for myself. I had many months to lie on my back and realize that the world continued to rotate without my running around like a freaky over-achiever. My guy was amazing, my kids helped out, and my family and friends showed up.
The hardest thing for me since getting sick (without a doubt) has been slowing down. It seems the healthier I become, the more I want to do. An old friend of mine used to kindly remind me, "we are human beings, not human do-ings." I'd smile and nod my head in agreement, but I didn't really get it.
These days I try really hard to take it easy. No easy task for someone wired like me. I have to remind myself daily to slow down. I have to remember that one big thing a day is more than enough. Even writing, which I have been loving, is taking up some time and energy. I'm not sure exactly what this means to me yet, but I'm guessing that posting a blog daily might be more than I should do. I might go down to a few times per week? I'm still not sure, as writing falls somewhere in between task and self-care.
One change I have made is with my Self-Care Suggestions jar. A few weeks ago I decided to write down everything I could think of that feels like self-care to me and that I enjoy. I cut up these activities into little fortune-cookie sized pieces of paper and folded them in half, stuffing them into my jar. At the beginning of my day, I will take out ONE activity and focus on doing this sometime during my day. Here are just a few of my choices:
paint
make a cup of tea
dance
read
go through old photos
take a long shower
watch a tv program
take a nap (!)
sing to music
hoola-hoop (believe it or not, this is one of my favorites to pick!)
The only 'rules' I have made for myself are that ALL of the activities have to be things I actually LOVE to do, and I have to select one to do every day.
I open my jar, dump the papers on my desk, close my eyes, and pick one. It's funny how this has helped shift things for me. Today, when I chose 'paint', I was so excited because I had already made plans with my son to help him paint his lego mini-figure! My One Big Thing for today. This means I already had all my supplies out on the table, ready for us. So easy. This new ritual feels like something I can stick with.
Well, it's time for me to sign off. I believe the first coat is dry by now on my son's lego, and we are going to try painting on the outfit next. Afterwards, I'm guessing I'll take a nap before starting dinner. Or maybe I'll read? If I can't decide what to do, I could always re-open my suggestion jar for a little help. Yep, I'm now taking all the help I can get ~ and that's new for me as well.
Nowadays, if I want to have sustainable energy, I have to practice self-care. That said, it's still not easy.
Recently I had an idea. What if I made self-care interesting and exciting? Maybe this could help with my reluctance.
The first and most important thing I had to do, however, was change some of my thinking. That's why there is this photo of tiny me. I try to imagine, when contemplating spending time on self-care, that I'm taking care of 'tiny me'. If I look at an old photo of myself and try really hard to pretend that I'm taking care of HER, then it doesn't feel so hard. In fact, it feels kind and loving. I would make sure SHE had enough sleep. I would prepare delicious and healthy meals for HER. I would let her play, relax, explore, and have friends. I wouldn't ask her to skip meals so she could get more shit done. I can't imagine telling her, "you can't go to sleep UNTILL you finish all that stuff you put on your list." In other words, I would treat her far better than I have been willing to treat myself.
I would never give her caffeinated drinks so she could move faster (and longer). I wouldn't give her candy jacked with sugar to tide her over. I'd give her healthy snacks and ask that she sit down when she eats, so she could relax and enjoy it. I would take her on long walks through the woods. I would wash her face at night, read to her, and tuck her in bed. I would tell her (over and over) how much I loved her.
I would be gentle with her when she struggled.
Every now and then I'll think about how everything looked just before I got sick. I was, as Brené Brown puts it, Hustling for Worthiness. I was hyper-concerned with whether or not I was a good enough EVERYTHING (daughter, sister, girlfriend, parent, friend, student, worker). I wanted everyone to think that I could manage everything. But the cost is high, and (luckily) my body said, "F*ck You, I'm done!" And I got sick.
I know this isn't what my neurologist would say. And that's okay. I don't need it to make sense for anyone else. I know what I was up to. I know how hard I was pushing myself on a daily basis to (I thought) make everyone's life better. Here's the thing though, I was cranky A LOT of the time. Makes sense though, right? I mean look at how I was (not) taking care of myself?! How could I help but be cranky?
So, I got sick. I lost the ability, completely, to take care of anyone (including myself). As I've mentioned before, I couldn't even dress or cook for myself. I had many months to lie on my back and realize that the world continued to rotate without my running around like a freaky over-achiever. My guy was amazing, my kids helped out, and my family and friends showed up.
The hardest thing for me since getting sick (without a doubt) has been slowing down. It seems the healthier I become, the more I want to do. An old friend of mine used to kindly remind me, "we are human beings, not human do-ings." I'd smile and nod my head in agreement, but I didn't really get it.
These days I try really hard to take it easy. No easy task for someone wired like me. I have to remind myself daily to slow down. I have to remember that one big thing a day is more than enough. Even writing, which I have been loving, is taking up some time and energy. I'm not sure exactly what this means to me yet, but I'm guessing that posting a blog daily might be more than I should do. I might go down to a few times per week? I'm still not sure, as writing falls somewhere in between task and self-care.
One change I have made is with my Self-Care Suggestions jar. A few weeks ago I decided to write down everything I could think of that feels like self-care to me and that I enjoy. I cut up these activities into little fortune-cookie sized pieces of paper and folded them in half, stuffing them into my jar. At the beginning of my day, I will take out ONE activity and focus on doing this sometime during my day. Here are just a few of my choices:
paint
make a cup of tea
dance
read
go through old photos
take a long shower
watch a tv program
take a nap (!)
sing to music
hoola-hoop (believe it or not, this is one of my favorites to pick!)
The only 'rules' I have made for myself are that ALL of the activities have to be things I actually LOVE to do, and I have to select one to do every day.
I open my jar, dump the papers on my desk, close my eyes, and pick one. It's funny how this has helped shift things for me. Today, when I chose 'paint', I was so excited because I had already made plans with my son to help him paint his lego mini-figure! My One Big Thing for today. This means I already had all my supplies out on the table, ready for us. So easy. This new ritual feels like something I can stick with.
Well, it's time for me to sign off. I believe the first coat is dry by now on my son's lego, and we are going to try painting on the outfit next. Afterwards, I'm guessing I'll take a nap before starting dinner. Or maybe I'll read? If I can't decide what to do, I could always re-open my suggestion jar for a little help. Yep, I'm now taking all the help I can get ~ and that's new for me as well.
