ms and addiction ~ because apparently having one wasn't enough
a piece I made back in 2015
Wait, what?
It's true. I try to imagine how I would've handled the news of my life interrupted were I still drinking, and it's not pretty. I'm guessing these would've been my initial reactions:
denial - This can't be happening to ME! I don't deserve this! Everyone, including my new team of specialists, must all be wrong! I'm gonna FIGHT this. I'd be thinking this while drinking my wine.
anger - a lot like denial, only more pissed off. More wine, because when better to drink?
isolation - fine, if this is indeed my new condition, then I am going to choose to pull away from everyone and everything and hide out. I am too scared to talk to anyone about how I feel, so to 'protect' myself, I will have to shut down. Nothing personal, just don't try reaching out to me, as I won't respond. However, I will still hang out with my wine.
depression - seems reasonable enough, right? Only this one will take me down deep, and quickly. Not only will it keep me alone, but it will mess with my mind until I don't even know how I feel. As an addict, not having access to my feelings is what my alcoholism felt like when it was untreated. I was so removed from reality that I floated through my own life, unable to take any healthy action whatsoever. This is when drinking becomes dangerous.
Luckily, this isn't my story today. I got sober over eight years ago. I got ms last spring (2017). This means I had over 6 1/2 years to first sort through a lot of drama from my past. I was able to learn how to see my part, own it, and work at taking action to change behaviors that no longer worked for me.
So, how has this helped with my diagnosis? Well, for starters, I'm not so unique. This means I didn't do anything to deserve this. It isn't tied up with any lack of moral character. Sometimes bad things just happen. This is referred to as 'life on life's terms'. We all get to experience joys as well as hardships.
Being in recovery has given me a connection to something bigger than myself. This means that I don't have to 'fix' this. In fact, chances are really good that it's more than I can fix by will alone, even if I consider myself to be historically competent and capable. Having a spiritual connection to something bigger gives me something to fall into. I can ask the universe for help. I can pray or meditate. I can get quiet. I can rest in not-knowing. Although this might sound terrifying, it honestly provides me with a serenity I never knew before getting sober.
I can connect with others and let them know what's really going on with me. Remember when we used to tell our bff everything? When outing ourselves felt cathartic, way before we even knew what cathartic meant? That's what recovery has drilled into me, the importance of connecting with others and staying honest. Only when we can be honest with ourselves can we be honest with others. If there is something I don't want you to know, it's because I'm scared as hell myself. I'm afraid that once I say it out loud, it means it's true, it's a reality to me. So, I push myself on a daily basis to stay as current and honest as possible. If this worked for me exiting my active addiction, then I don't see why it shouldn't help out here.
I've only had ms for a short while. I'm not an expert on how any of this works. I know, after extensive reading, that each of us with ms experiences it differently. This is similar to addiction, as no two addicts are the same. That said, certain things help.
Solid sleep is essential. Eating a healthy diet, regular exercise, and self-care all need to be part of my daily regime. Some type of spiritual practice provides me with hope and a sense of meaning. Being responsible for my actions gives me a sense of agency and accountability. Drinking a LOT of water is important. Letting go of things that don't really matter, which means most things, will leave me with energy for things that really DO matter (like my family and friends). And my all time favorite, 'pause when agitated.' This last one reminds me to take it easy, slow down, and wait at least 24hrs (whenever possible) to respond to anything that feels hard. Chances are real good that 24hrs from now I won't even remember why I was upset to begin with, and I will be SO happy that I didn't text/email/or call you back when I was feeling my most vulnerable (and triggered).
In fact, I might eat a healthy snack, take a nap, and connect with an old friend to talk it through before getting back to you. These are all tools that I have picked up in recovery, and so far as I can tell, they will serve me well as I journey now with ms as part of my story. I will continue to work my hardest to BE HERE NOW, to let go of the past, and not worry about the future. Easier said than done, I know. But I'm all for remaining teachable. It's worked for me before, no reason it can't help out now.
