emotional hangover

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quote found on Pinterest the other day

Yesterday my guy and I decided to drive out to Astoria, while Henry was at his dad's. We are both crazy about how old and mostly low-key this town still manages to be, which is refreshing after living in Portland for so long and watching it change so radically. I decided to post my latest entry (letting go of the 'look-good') before heading out. As is to be expected, I kind of messed up how to access it. I entered (again?) the wrong link. Breathe, let go, try again. Not the biggest deal, right? Seriously though? I'm burnt out on making mistakes. Some days I have more patience with myself than others. Yesterday wasn't one of those days.

So, I was trying to fix things from the road only to realize we were out of reception. And then something happened. I started to feel a little nauseous. My head began to hurt and the overcast sky became sickeningly bright. I tried wearing my sunglasses, only to remember that they were cheap crappy sunglasses that were a little too tight on the temples. They made my headache worse. 

I crawled into the back seat and tried resting. I must've fallen asleep, because next thing I knew, we'd arrived. We ate at this brewery we've been to before. Incredibly nice staff there. Our host, a tall and young woman, must've been nearly 9mo pregnant. She wore a fitted long black tank dress (with a flannel over, I think?) that made her body look so beautiful and strong. I remember loving how capable I felt in my body both times I was pregnant. I felt more like an animal than I ever had before or since. So wild, this young woman looked just like I remember feeling. Anyhow, we ate a really good meal and then I started feeling sick again. We walked back to the car, and at the suggestion of my guy, we decided to go straight home.

I wondered if I was at the beginning of my first 'MS relapse'. F*ck. I wish I could say I am brave and stoic, but I was scared. I throw out the suggestion to my guy that I should look up what the common signs are of a relapse, so we know what to look for. Turns out neither of us have entertained this more than likely scenario. I'm wracking my brain trying to remember exactly what it felt like the first time around. I'm also trying to breathe and let go. I've somehow managed to let that old dusty hamster wheel in the back of my mind hijack my fear. Yep, I'm getting scared and it's only been a few hours of feeling shitty. 

And then I try to trace my last 24hrs. Has anything extreme happened that could be triggering this pain in my head? Could this simply be an emotional/stress response? If so, am I a total loser or super wimp? 

Turns out (I'm pretty sure) that it was partially the result of my blog entry yesterday morning. I think I hit the 'publish' button without thinking through how that level of self-exposure might affect me. Which is good, or I'd've never followed through with it. I'm guessing that's what it might just feel like at first with this writing? Like I'm back in jr. high and terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. Remember how the stakes felt so f*cking high back then? Like if you did mess up, everyone would talk about it, like, forever?

Maybe this kind of insecurity wasn't your story. I hope not. It sucked. It wasn't like this all the time for me, but every now and then was more than enough. And yesterday I was right back there. Worried that once again, I had over-shared ~ only this time, in a very public way.

In recovery I've heard this referred to as an emotional hangover. It doesn't involve any substance, but can knock you on your ass nonetheless. It happens when one shares (radically) what it really feels like to be in one's skin. You feel raw, naked, and beyond vulnerable. And for what? 

Freedom. Self-acceptance. Love. Or something close to this.

At least I hope that might be the pay-off. If so, it'd be totally worth it. 

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